And so the war begins....

Well Mr. Batcheller.... my nurse says" You most certainly will be losing all of the hair on your head and most likely some eyebrow and eyelashes along with the bulk of your pubic hair. There is some chance that you will lose all sperm count and become sterile after your dosages of these drugs. Having kids in the future may not be an option. Your libido is likely also to shrink making you not interested in recreation with your partner, you may also develop mouth and throat ulcers which will make any sexual undertaking or intimate kissing with your partner a high risk for infection. Dark oddly shaped areas of skin are known to show up unexpectedly, your finger and toe nails may thicken and your skin may peel from the wonderful Bleomycin you'll be taking. There is also an increased risk for lung disease and lung malfunction from Bleomycin. The other drugs in your prescription can cause severe numbing to the fingertips and toes to the point of needing assistance in buttoning your shirt, which may or may not be permanent. You will ultimately be faced with bouts of constipation, diahphrea, extreme fatigue, lightheadedness and loss of appetite .Nausea will be the most persistant symptom and most essential in trying to control over the course of your treatment. Not to save the best for last but you will also be at a higher risk for developing leukemia and other different forms of cancer, which may ultimately be caused from the medicine I'm giving to you today." Obviously that wasn't all one paragraph she put together but a summation of what I was enlightened with this morning in our hour long pre chemo user discussion. Sounded like a lot of optimistic really great news to me.

After an hour of being given my nausea medicine it was time to start my first wave of Chemo. I don't think I have ever felt as personally violated in my whole life and have never had such a wandering regret as to if I was making a wrong decision as I did today when she administered four rounds of god awful toxins into my body. The drugs are so toxic the nurses where thick rubber haz mat gloves and eye protection in case of accidental exposure, they use extreme caution administering them through the IV because external skin contact can cause third degree burn like ulcers in a matter of seconds. "You're putting that stuff in my body"? I thought. The more and more I thought about it the more and more the potential risks of dieing trying to beat this the natural way using nutritional science and alternative methods seemed a better idea. After six and a half hours in a lazy boy lounge full of much older humans than I and beeping IV towers I was finally free to go. And off I went feeling as free as a lab at the dog park after a week locked in the yard.

So here I am, feeling defeated and undermined, encouraged and optimistic. I was not initially planning to run a blog about my daily life as a cancer patient but after today I realize that this is going to be the best way for me to let out my thoughts and emotions, because I most certainly don't do well verbally. So from here on out, if you're here reading this thanks for checking in on me.